"Sing me to sleep, and then leave me alone."

I wrote this blog a while ago and didn't post it for some reason. Currently I am not feeling this way. The twists and turns of Crohn's are wonderful. Maybe it has to do with my new medication. New blog about my Remicade and an update coming soon.

I don't know if anyone knows The Smith's song "Asleep" but that one excerpt from the song really hits home to me. A proper title for this blog post. I am speaking to my inevitable tiredness and energy depravation. It is hard to explain to "normies" what it feels like to have the life snatched right from under you. Some days I feel like I can't get up and started for my day. Work nearly kills all my energy and ambition to get to the gym most of the time. No matter what food I eat that will give me that boost I don't feel like I can get a full good work out in. When laying down is more important than cooking dinner. Not everyday is like this but the ones that are feel really miserable and I usually have a miserable attitude as well you can ask my husband. But it hurts to be called lazy when you really can't control it. To be told to just wake up when you just really can't. I try my best to do those things but inside I am not having a good time and I just want to rest to be let to lay down and be left alone sometimes. Sorry for killing your vibe but I just can't give anymore today.  :(

Before I had my surgery back in 2012 I had already been experiencing this type of overwhelming fatigue for a long time. My body was not absorbing nutrients from my foods. Post surgery I had better nutrient absorption but My B-12 absorption was completely cut off. Different section of your intestinal track absorb certain nutrients. The Ilium absorbs B-12. My Ilium was completely removed so therefore I don't absorb B-12 naturally through foods. By the time that finally figured this out with my Doctor I would go through my days feeling unmotivated, foggy and tired. When working sometimes I space out and can't concentrate on what I am doing. Occasionally this also happens while driving and watching TV, etc.

It just really feeling like I just woke up and it last almost all day sometimes. The groggy, can't keep your eyes focused just want to go back to sleep feeling. More recently I have been feeling this way a lot. My doctor first told me that when taking the B-12 shot if I ever start to feel this way more often then I should take it more frequently. I was finally at a place where I felt like once a month was working for me. Now in the last three months I have been taking it every three weeks. But I am starting to think that ever 2 weeks might be better.

Most people know that I really like to go to the gym. I talk about it a lot and have been gaining more interest as I research nutrition and a natural more healthy life style. I have been an on again off again gym goer since high school. Frequenting the gym is the main reason that I have been able to keep my weight about the same give or take 10 pounds that I lose and gain. My deficiency has made it really hard for me to get there lately and it sucks because I find this inner strength and then after a few weeks I find myself giving in to my fatigue and sitting around. I feel bad because then my husband uses me as an excuse to not go as well and I don't want to holding him back from his goals.

So where do I find this balance? I have to work harder at being normal. I have to make sure that I get the right amount of sleep. I have to eat the right foods. I have to make sure that I exercise enough. That is how I feel normal. It is exhausting just following my diet alone and when you put work and gym in the equation I sometimes barely have time to see my friends and family. What price do I have to pay to feel good and is it worth it. For the first month of the year I sacrificed time for friends and family so that I could focus on getting better. I went to the gym once or twice a day and spent hours preparing food to eat. It made me feel so good but I had a hard time seeing anyone outside my house hold and functions which involved foods which I was abstaining from were hard to sit through but I dug deep and did it. Some how I need to find that again through my fatigue and lack of motivation. I can and will do it. I just need the strength to.


Thanks to everyone that reads my blog. I can definitely say more on here than I can to everyone in person. XOXO